Journalists do have envysome friends

Ten years. It has been 10 years since my association with journalism. I still remember how exactly I felt when for the first time I entered a Newsroom. Back then even entering the lift corridor of a news house used to be thrilling for me. I am glad that it remained the same till date. I come from no- news background but with a clear head about what exactly I wanted to do as a journalist. I could visualise it and I feel extremely lucky to lived it up thoroughly. I met people. We journalists do meet people who belong to the power and influencial class. Then we remain friends with many of them. I wish I could take their names whom professionally we call as sources but they are the real friends or mentors for whom we could survive our respective jobs. At the same time I am tired of listening that reporters are chipku. They make friends who come with benefits. Is it ? You know guys how we work? No Superman really does not return to the world to help the poor Lois Lane (s). We visit offices. We train our eyes and mind as source detector. We read our prospective sources and stick to them. They also try their best to throw us away. But we source detectors just stick around. And finally the day comes when we both shake hands and sign an invisible deal of information. So the bridge is built. Now? People who call journalists opportunists please have some patience. Now that the source and I have shook hands so I get back to him for any kind of assistance from his departmet. Imagine who is the fittest to do this for me ? A top boss right? Yes gradually the professional relationship evolves. This is utmost natural. You know we are hardworking as well! Like the top man, we become friends with chaiwala, paanwala,liftman and so on. The intention remains the same- information. But you know you guys will not recognise these relations because most of you are unabl to see it. We try to keep equal respect for our both sets of sources turned friends, believe me. I too have those friends who have given me their back. They are excellent in their respective fields and hold some key positions. But how is it justified to call us opportunists in a very general way? Please think twice. It is our job and with time and tide things become personal. It is not our habit of name dropping but we actually do not have other options. Trust me most of the journalists live in a very sharp edged square room. The four pillars are the editor, family and a few friends,sources and himself. So the next time you interact with a journalist and hear him taking somebody's name, have some mercy on him. He is not flaunting anything, most of tbe times. It is his/her boring life that evolves around these people. Yes lucky I am. I have made those friends who will remain friends keeping the sanctity alive of human relationship. This is one of the most valuable take aways by me from the profession.

The Chair at the Counter is Taken

The evening at the pub : One lady sitting at the counter, alone. She is smiling looking at the screen of her mobile phone, seems busy in texting with someone. The next moment she puts aside her mobile phone and sips her drink. She picks up the fork and the spoon and gently manages to make small slices of the chicken. Her red colour handbag is kept on the table and a huge shopping bag is kept on the floor beside her long chair. She apparently is looking laid back and totally enjoying her own company. She is going smooth with her own company.  Lady 2 : A pillar, a narrow stylish table, a chair and all of them positioned slightly at the corner of pub. The attendant (I like to call stewards as attendants because they take care of our needs at such places) is all smile for her. She is carrying a huge office bag and her make up is little faded hinting that she has come to the pub post office. She orders her drinks, which are being served one by one. She is also looks quite happy with herself. Pretty she is. Then why sitting alone over her drinks ? Perhaps she too is at ease with her own company. Table 3: Silver hair, bulging belly, wearing some comfortable cloths. This man is deffinitely looking fresher than the two other ladies. But he is also alone! He has been alloted a long chair at the counter but at the other end from the lady. The guy appears to be cool and ordered 2 vodka at one go. At ease with himself? Perhaps. Do you think these three are different ? Exclusive kind? No. To cater with the rush of sich lone dates the pubs are rearranging more and more single long chairs or some corners. If you enter there and tell the attendant that you are not joing any group there and not even expecting anybody they will automatically take you to the chair of your comfort. They somehow understood that this guest is here by choice. They want to enjoy and date themselves so they are here. Like the counter lady confessed - "I have come here alone and by choice. It is not that I do not have friends to accompany me. But I wanted to sit alone and spend sometime with me. I wanted to enjoy my drink alone. If someone is going to judge me for that, believe me I care a damn." They say internet has interfered in human relations making people lonely. Is it? These peoplr are definitely not lonely people. Had they been lonely they could have gone to any place on earth but for choosing a fancy pub with good music. If you onserve them you will find out none of there bothered if they are being checked out or not.  I would like to say that people are maturing. They are realising the value of themselves. Now they, atleast few of them know that there is no harm to treat yourself. There is no harm to invest and love ownself. May be they are making a distance from being judged to being ownself,apologetically. But it is truly a delight to see such 'single' people around who are at ease with themselves. Atleast they are giving it a shot. Cheers to such spirits. Thumb up. 

Chanda - Wish I could tell you this

I was watching Noor. Noor’s Malti reminded me of my Chanda back in Patna. All these years of my stay-alone but smart in Patna would have drained out without her by my side. The idea of staying alone is such exciting that every other details of running a house on your own gets blurred. It’s like Love is Blind. But it does not take long to discover the end of honeymoon period. During that period only Chanda arrived in my life. She is such stupendous calculative working woman with two kids and a part time present husband who hardly ever bears their expenses. But Chanda is unstoppable and magician. Why? At the time of her appointment she was categorically told to come by 9 to 9.30 in the morning sharp. And I was relaxed. Then I returned from work, had dinner, keep on checking incidents, watched some trash movies on TV till 2.30am and went to sleep. But the calling bell banged at 7am in the morning. Freak me opened the door and there Chanda is standing with her watermelon smile. I was shocked. What the hell is she doing here so early when parents are not around and I stay alone! Her great reply was she thought of chopping off the veggies so that I could cook before I leave for work. I mean..well.. And the drama now started. She used to brought her kids to work which were considered as pleasant visits. They loved banana and Salman Khan. The elder one used to like to sit on the chair while the younger one used to think my 2-BHK was a small ground. Sweet were those mornings. Then I had to fall ill too. Let me tell you, when I fell ill I am a real cry baby. I love the attention, pamper and care. But when you stay alone it makes you super cranky. So I had Chanda touch. She used to address me Diddi in a very typical style. She never bothered to offer all the extra chores if I was not in mood to do. And it is also true that she used to be randomly absent from her work when my Mom used to be around. It was a lovely Tom & Jerry show to enjoy. I remember her try to read the newspapers at my place. She used to take some Hindi tabloid, sit on the floor during her jharu chore and read. The Hindi expert in me tried to assist her. This habit of hers amazed me. I used to insist her to sit in the bed but she refused gently so we never had any further discussion over it. I respected her self-esteem. She being a North Indian married woman with kids did not bother to be dependent on her husband. She planned her life. Her articulation, calculation, determination influenced me. I learnt from her, her struggle, professionalism and her watermelon smile. I wish I could tell her this.She was my support system, the smoothness provider to run my show uninterruptedly.

The smell of You

I had stopped reading. Recently my little sister who wanted to buy me a book sent me several options. She got irriitated with me as each book of the list was read by me. Finally she successfully delivered me a book that is still unread. And it banged my head and heart as well that I had stopped reading. I was always a 60-70 percetile student. But yes I am little well read, beyond the board syllabus.  But strangely in last one year, I did not read. There are months when I did not read a single printed word. Being a journalist I had several mornings when I didnot pull up the newspaper. The black words just simply did not attarct me. And why only the words, nothing in this world attracted me. Then the other day I stared at my books, the assets I have collected over the years. Some originals, some second hand, some pirated, some classics in torn pages... I asked myself why I have landed here. The answer is I was fighting two demons inside me - depression and anxiety. Each of them are deadly and the combo offer is something deadliest. One tells you to dark your room and to have an eternal relationship with your bed. While the other will push your brain to constantly worry about the things which bothers you. The 2017 world health day was about deperession. But did we talk about the people or it was only about the word? No idea really. But I know people around me who are everyday fighting with the demons. Many of them do not recognise it and the rest will not accept it.  But acceptace not only by yourself, your acceptance by your own set of people is half the healing process. We everyday fight to win over,to get back ourselves. We do extreme exocism on ourselves to get rid of the demons. Meanwhile, we react. We judge. We take wrong decisions. And then recognise and rectify. We constantly work on ourselves. We all are sorry to the people we hurt during the journey but more than sorry we are thankful to them to be part of our journey. For bearing us to smothen the path.  I gave myself time to heal. I made myself priority which many a times is luxury in our social system. But I had too. Because I am 31 and I have been in a relationship with myself for the last 31 years. And for the record, I am happily reading three books at the same time like I always used to do. Sigh.

Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

December 29, best day to write a year ender. Ok. With folded hands I thank the almighty for granting me such a brilliant year that made me fall in love with life all over again. Since God cannot be everywhere himself he sends us angels and I have planned to talk little bit about all the Devdoots in my life today. Let me bore you a little more. Deepika Padukone has been promoting some depression campaign. Well I too was sick, bedridden due to excessive depression, mental sickness. You think Pills were the last resort? No! They were just the impetus. The actual pills were the people I have in my life. Who unconsciously took the oath to be mine forever, unconsciously pronounced - ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. I raise a toast to each one of you, guys. One actually does not need those extravagant rituals or some legal declaration or even blood relation to stand by each other, to hold on to a soul. Human relations are so beautiful that we can celebrate them every day. They say if you have one person in life who won't judge you, you are blessed. God, I have bunch. The little puggy baby Casper likes the scent of my shampoo so he sits on my head the next day I signed the divorce petition. I felt needed, thanks Casper. I still have doubt with my understanding with the universe so I am blessed with little devils with whom I can become more demonish. The nights of laughter, banter. .challenges you guys threw at me that I have to smile back because I never wanted to be a reason of your sadness. Then I made a new friend. That period when I had 14 pills in my stomach, willing to bid a good bye. Wreck to reckless.... I owe this journey to you each. How do I forget those days when my Patna girls used to apply kajal on my eyes because they cannot tolerate my nude eyes. Gals, let me assure you I do not skip kajal anymore. Arre I have a dost- my classified just dial.. I salute. Then this Chauhan-wa... little things taught me lessons. Babumoshai zindegi lambi nai gahri honi chaiye. I do not wish to talk about Ma, Baba ... cause I cannot really talk about them. I have seen people missing out the extended family they make beyond blood relations. These people stick to us, hold us back, let us be Us, the forgotten self. These are the relations we earn by our virtue. Depression I know still a stigma, I know people hesitate to talk about and even more hesitant to take clinical help. But I know now that it’s just a sickness, might be caused by different reasons. All we need is a plain simple kick ass regime for couple of days. We have some, we want some and we end up wanting more which we do not have. And when we are unable to have that already set frame of life by the forever society, we become depressive. Boss!! Design your own life, that’s what I have learnt. I have unlearned myself. An angel told me, happiness should be the journey not destination. So if you are not worried about your four times meals, sale shopping, social media accounts, you are just blessed, and its matter of luck that you have all these in life. Period.

Madam ji wala distance

In my earlier write up, I mentioned Bihar as Jungle Raaj. Hey, that came as sarcasm which come fluent from me as I am a Capricorn. Capricorns are masters of sarcasm. Basically at the moment I am adjusting somewhere in between Jungle Raaj and urban Jungle. Oh it’s such a struggle. I really feel tough to connect to the urban world. Am I going backward? Missing the place where I have spent a major part of my life? No for sure. I am actually missing the Black and White world. May be the rowdiness have been termed as jungle raaj by the urban junglees. But trust me, I was more comfortable with them. I bet anyone would be. Oh come on, hypocrisy probably comes well with glassdoor-ed people. And I cannot really digest that. You gallify Biharis? I, being a Bong girl, unmarried, fiercely single, independent have spent five years of youth in Bihar. My experience, I suppose counts, right? I covered crime in Bihar. I do not wish to talk about Buddha or Mahavir or Ashoka here but I shall tell you my endeavour as a woman in Bihar. They start conversation with – Pranam. It was initially a little jolt to me. But with Pranam, came their suspicious looks. Why this woman will stay alone? They made little distance because this woman lives alone. I liked it. Many of them are not aware of the Japanese theory of physical proximity and space, but I enjoyed it thoroughly there. Men and women smoke and booze in public in Urban Jungle and think we are modern? That’s a sign of a free world? Excuse me. See the world out there. No they are not that modern that they won’t stare at a woman who drinks in public. They are not that good boys that they will not just pick up the girl they just liked on street. They will. And that’s make them Bihari, for me, at least. But again I stayed there all alone. Tried to see such unexplored places where I may not go again in my life. I have spent nights at villages, hills, by rivers ,camps with unknown men, women and not for once I felt like I might be in danger from the humans. I did not have to plug in to music like here these days I do. You may say I am a journalist, how could they show me true colours. But buds, here also I am a journalist, working with the same house. But guys at my hometown really disappointed me. Biharis have their other backlogs, we all have. But how far self-boasting as Bongs will take us to? They are comfortable with girl with a doputta. And it works. They do not have any inhibition in admitting that. Some sources still are hesitant to call up Madam ji. I found that cute. They are still conservative, they still have their grey areas…But I was comfortable with their nature- unpretentious. These days I struggle with the hypocrite words…I find myself so misfit to the ultramodern world. I liked the Madam ji wala distance, truly.

Divorced ! hmmmm

So happy I was. Hometown, family, friends, coffee and adda…after six years of staying away from home really slurp-slurp situation for me. Well, the office is new. Good too. Slurp again. But girl, I forgot as I grew older, my city too but the people, they are just running on the first block of being modern! Poor me, I returned from Bihar man, the Jungle raaj !! The other day when I was online quite late in night with a drum of chocolate, the messenger windows kept popping up with wishes from different persons. Few of them were really constant. And then it was followed by some really different kind of invitations which were definitely unwanted, awkward kept floating towards me and how smartly I can dodge them has become part of my daily routine now. Again ageing me. Turning 31 in 20 days. Quite grown up. Quite grown up to understand all the double meaning words of the universe. Grown up enough to understand the direct proposals from the unwanted men. Must be wondering why this unwanted discussion of indecent proposals. Look, my another newly added introduction is I am separated from my husband, getting a divorce. Half divorced. And there comes another struggle to the Indian woman. Ek toh akeli ladki khuli tijori hoti hai upar se agar divorcee hai toh tijori pura tumhara hai. Man when you are going through a divorce you are already exhausted. Mentally and physically drained out. Every day you try to save a little part of you to keep up with your job. But who is there to ease your life! Barring the set of people, having whom in your life you feel blessed, trust me there is none out there. At the end of 2016, yes men still see women as piece of flesh. They want sex and no drama. Once they get involved with a single girl, the burden of marriage may come to them. But divorced – she is an opportunity. She does not have mellow drama. One can get away with the pleasure before she feels anything, before she turns emotional. But universe, you are wrong. The person who is divorced, could be more struggle to handle. People, respect their decision. Respect their life. They have seen and been through more than many of you have been trough in life. They have seen the ‘’happily ever after” to break down in front of their eyes. They have taken it head on, happily, brutally or sadly. They are now a different race altogether. Might not be your cup tea. You mess with them, they might get deadly more than you could even thought of. They could be a nightmare dressed in a day dream or might be nothing, just looking for an emotional anchor. She is not an opportunity, she is now a different person. I am all these now. But I also know a class of our society is still not ready about how to handle a divorced person..a woman. You do not have to do anything.. People just learn to respect women, as they are. Nurture them as your equal. And sex, I guess you guys are not rapist, there is a term consensual.