Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

December 29, best day to write a year ender. Ok. With folded hands I thank the almighty for granting me such a brilliant year that made me fall in love with life all over again. Since God cannot be everywhere himself he sends us angels and I have planned to talk little bit about all the Devdoots in my life today. Let me bore you a little more. Deepika Padukone has been promoting some depression campaign. Well I too was sick, bedridden due to excessive depression, mental sickness. You think Pills were the last resort? No! They were just the impetus. The actual pills were the people I have in my life. Who unconsciously took the oath to be mine forever, unconsciously pronounced - ever thine, ever mine, ever ours. I raise a toast to each one of you, guys. One actually does not need those extravagant rituals or some legal declaration or even blood relation to stand by each other, to hold on to a soul. Human relations are so beautiful that we can celebrate them every day. They say if you have one person in life who won't judge you, you are blessed. God, I have bunch. The little puggy baby Casper likes the scent of my shampoo so he sits on my head the next day I signed the divorce petition. I felt needed, thanks Casper. I still have doubt with my understanding with the universe so I am blessed with little devils with whom I can become more demonish. The nights of laughter, banter. .challenges you guys threw at me that I have to smile back because I never wanted to be a reason of your sadness. Then I made a new friend. That period when I had 14 pills in my stomach, willing to bid a good bye. Wreck to reckless.... I owe this journey to you each. How do I forget those days when my Patna girls used to apply kajal on my eyes because they cannot tolerate my nude eyes. Gals, let me assure you I do not skip kajal anymore. Arre I have a dost- my classified just dial.. I salute. Then this Chauhan-wa... little things taught me lessons. Babumoshai zindegi lambi nai gahri honi chaiye. I do not wish to talk about Ma, Baba ... cause I cannot really talk about them. I have seen people missing out the extended family they make beyond blood relations. These people stick to us, hold us back, let us be Us, the forgotten self. These are the relations we earn by our virtue. Depression I know still a stigma, I know people hesitate to talk about and even more hesitant to take clinical help. But I know now that it’s just a sickness, might be caused by different reasons. All we need is a plain simple kick ass regime for couple of days. We have some, we want some and we end up wanting more which we do not have. And when we are unable to have that already set frame of life by the forever society, we become depressive. Boss!! Design your own life, that’s what I have learnt. I have unlearned myself. An angel told me, happiness should be the journey not destination. So if you are not worried about your four times meals, sale shopping, social media accounts, you are just blessed, and its matter of luck that you have all these in life. Period.

Madam ji wala distance

In my earlier write up, I mentioned Bihar as Jungle Raaj. Hey, that came as sarcasm which come fluent from me as I am a Capricorn. Capricorns are masters of sarcasm. Basically at the moment I am adjusting somewhere in between Jungle Raaj and urban Jungle. Oh it’s such a struggle. I really feel tough to connect to the urban world. Am I going backward? Missing the place where I have spent a major part of my life? No for sure. I am actually missing the Black and White world. May be the rowdiness have been termed as jungle raaj by the urban junglees. But trust me, I was more comfortable with them. I bet anyone would be. Oh come on, hypocrisy probably comes well with glassdoor-ed people. And I cannot really digest that. You gallify Biharis? I, being a Bong girl, unmarried, fiercely single, independent have spent five years of youth in Bihar. My experience, I suppose counts, right? I covered crime in Bihar. I do not wish to talk about Buddha or Mahavir or Ashoka here but I shall tell you my endeavour as a woman in Bihar. They start conversation with – Pranam. It was initially a little jolt to me. But with Pranam, came their suspicious looks. Why this woman will stay alone? They made little distance because this woman lives alone. I liked it. Many of them are not aware of the Japanese theory of physical proximity and space, but I enjoyed it thoroughly there. Men and women smoke and booze in public in Urban Jungle and think we are modern? That’s a sign of a free world? Excuse me. See the world out there. No they are not that modern that they won’t stare at a woman who drinks in public. They are not that good boys that they will not just pick up the girl they just liked on street. They will. And that’s make them Bihari, for me, at least. But again I stayed there all alone. Tried to see such unexplored places where I may not go again in my life. I have spent nights at villages, hills, by rivers ,camps with unknown men, women and not for once I felt like I might be in danger from the humans. I did not have to plug in to music like here these days I do. You may say I am a journalist, how could they show me true colours. But buds, here also I am a journalist, working with the same house. But guys at my hometown really disappointed me. Biharis have their other backlogs, we all have. But how far self-boasting as Bongs will take us to? They are comfortable with girl with a doputta. And it works. They do not have any inhibition in admitting that. Some sources still are hesitant to call up Madam ji. I found that cute. They are still conservative, they still have their grey areas…But I was comfortable with their nature- unpretentious. These days I struggle with the hypocrite words…I find myself so misfit to the ultramodern world. I liked the Madam ji wala distance, truly.

Divorced ! hmmmm

So happy I was. Hometown, family, friends, coffee and adda…after six years of staying away from home really slurp-slurp situation for me. Well, the office is new. Good too. Slurp again. But girl, I forgot as I grew older, my city too but the people, they are just running on the first block of being modern! Poor me, I returned from Bihar man, the Jungle raaj !! The other day when I was online quite late in night with a drum of chocolate, the messenger windows kept popping up with wishes from different persons. Few of them were really constant. And then it was followed by some really different kind of invitations which were definitely unwanted, awkward kept floating towards me and how smartly I can dodge them has become part of my daily routine now. Again ageing me. Turning 31 in 20 days. Quite grown up. Quite grown up to understand all the double meaning words of the universe. Grown up enough to understand the direct proposals from the unwanted men. Must be wondering why this unwanted discussion of indecent proposals. Look, my another newly added introduction is I am separated from my husband, getting a divorce. Half divorced. And there comes another struggle to the Indian woman. Ek toh akeli ladki khuli tijori hoti hai upar se agar divorcee hai toh tijori pura tumhara hai. Man when you are going through a divorce you are already exhausted. Mentally and physically drained out. Every day you try to save a little part of you to keep up with your job. But who is there to ease your life! Barring the set of people, having whom in your life you feel blessed, trust me there is none out there. At the end of 2016, yes men still see women as piece of flesh. They want sex and no drama. Once they get involved with a single girl, the burden of marriage may come to them. But divorced – she is an opportunity. She does not have mellow drama. One can get away with the pleasure before she feels anything, before she turns emotional. But universe, you are wrong. The person who is divorced, could be more struggle to handle. People, respect their decision. Respect their life. They have seen and been through more than many of you have been trough in life. They have seen the ‘’happily ever after” to break down in front of their eyes. They have taken it head on, happily, brutally or sadly. They are now a different race altogether. Might not be your cup tea. You mess with them, they might get deadly more than you could even thought of. They could be a nightmare dressed in a day dream or might be nothing, just looking for an emotional anchor. She is not an opportunity, she is now a different person. I am all these now. But I also know a class of our society is still not ready about how to handle a divorced person..a woman. You do not have to do anything.. People just learn to respect women, as they are. Nurture them as your equal. And sex, I guess you guys are not rapist, there is a term consensual.